For those struggling with a substance use disorder, finding forgiveness is often a major obstacle to successful recovery. Yet, it’s an essential part of the process. It can be hard to find the strength to forgive those you have hurt and even harder to forgive yourself.
In this article I explore why forgiveness of yourself and others is important, how to move forward with forgiveness, common challenges and tips for how to get there.
Why Forgiveness in Addiction Recovery is Important
There has been considerable research into the issue of forgiveness in substance abuse recovery. One 2018 report by Krentzman and others reviewed previous studies, which concluded the following somewhat surprising facts [1]:
- Forgiving oneself might be harder than forgiving others.
- This may be because it’s more abstract and less achievable.
- Most people are harder on themselves than on others, making it easier to forgive others than oneself.
- Forgiveness of self, forgiveness of others, and forgiveness from others can converge simultaneously rather than in a typical linear sequence.
- One theory put forth was that receiving forgiveness may spark the act of self-forgiveness. And this may encourage forgiving others in the future. However, this sequencing is not well understood.
- Part of the challenge with self-forgiveness is that it requires extra steps such as taking personal responsibility, being accountable, and developing self-compassion
The Krentzman study explored forgiveness of others and forgiveness of self with people with alcohol use disorder over a 30-month period. They drew the following conclusions:
- Participants in the study were more forgiving of others than themselves
- Both types of forgiveness increased over time
- Forgiveness of self increased more rapidly than forgiveness of others
- The effect of forgiveness of others on forgiveness of self was twice as strong as the reverse effect.
- The capacity to forgive others and to forgive oneself is cyclical, impacting each other.
- Learning to forgive appears to be critical to developing the capacity to forgive oneself. [1]
These results may provide clinical guidance for treating those who find it difficult to forgive themselves for their own past offenses and for those who relapse due to feelings of self-recrimination, guilt, or shame.
How to Start on the Path of Forgiveness
The goal of forgiveness in recovery is twofold: to forgive others you have hurt and the relationships you have damaged and to find forgiveness in yourself.
So often, the easiest place to start, as the research cited above suggests, is to forgive others. This may be as simple as finding the strength to just phone or text a few people you believe you have hurt, whether family members, friends, or work colleagues. These don’t have to be long explanations, but they must be sincere and heartfelt.
Then, begin to do the work to find forgiveness in yourself for things you have said and done. Because the two processes are intertwined, you may cycle between forgiving others and forgiving yourself rather than just focusing on one exclusively. If you have a pattern of relapse related to self-blame, guilt, or shame, trying to forgive others may help you forgive yourself.
Keep in mind the following guidelines to help motivate your efforts since forgiveness:
- Restores broken relationships
- Improves your relationships with others who matter
- Stops the cycle of negative behaviors
- Restores your self-care
- Strengthens your self-esteem
- Helps free you from being stuck in the past
- Helps you reclaim ownership of your own story
Common Challenges for Self-Forgiveness
For those with addictions and working on their recovery, it’s not unusual to see them relapse. This is often due to the belief that sobriety alone is the goal. Yet without forgiveness and the process of letting go that goes with it, it’s difficult to regain your sense of self and obtain a full recovery.
One of the challenges to forgiveness is what some call “unforgiveness,” where you are stuck and unable to move forward and, worse, relapse. It doesn’t just worsen your addiction; it affects your mental health with depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, which may be due to unresolved emotional issues. Staying stuck in resentment can seriously hold back your recovery.
How to Reach Forgiveness During Recovery
Forgiveness involves allowing yourself to move beyond the stuck place of your addiction cycle. It is a state of mind with concrete actions you can take. The first step is to recognize that forgiveness matters for addiction recovery as the next step after stopping to use substances. At this stage, recognize the benefits of doing so and reach out to share with someone. Don’t bottle up your feelings. Seek professional treatment to help you on your journey.
Benefits of Forgiveness
Prevents Likelihood of Relapse: Addiction recovery is often a cyclical journey or recovery and relapse. Relapse is typically fueled by harbored resentment, anger, bitterness, guilt, and shame. One of the most important ways to not relapse is to focus on forgiveness and help release these powerful feelings, often the result of past trauma, errors in judgment, and negative behaviors. Only then can you truly move forward in recovery.
Reduced Stress and Anxiety: Holding onto the negative feelings only contributes to feeling stressed and anxious. With forgiveness comes a greater sense of calm and peace. This puts you in a better position to focus on your recovery by reducing negative thinking and unhelpful distractions.
Enhances Relationships: Addiction puts a strain on all your relationships. By enabling open communication, understanding, and empathy, forgiveness unlocks the key to repairing relationships. It also helps you let go of grudges and move forward to more constructive relationships.
Promotes Emotional Healing: By promoting self-awareness, self-forgiveness, and self-compassion, you can begin to help your past negative traumas and emotional wounds. This is essential to be able to move forward safely to a substance-free future.
Reinforces Resilience: The road to recovery is fraught with bumps and setbacks. Forgiveness helps open the door to developing greater resilience with a positive mindset, self-acceptance, and self-love.
Develop a More Spiritual Outlook: Through reflection, introspection, meditation, and any other spiritual practice of your choice, you can develop a greater sense of inner peace and harmony with yourself, others, and nature. This can help promote a greater sense of purpose and meaning in life.
Forgiving Others
Forgiveness is allowing yourself to stop feeling the pain that a person may have caused or that you may have caused so that you can focus on your recovery and surround yourself with more positive energy. If you have been hurt by someone, you need to find a way to forgive them as part of your recovery. Forgiveness can be difficult, but it’s a crucial step in the healing process. Here are some steps to try out in your recovery journey.
- Release resentment: The first step is to release resentment tied up with the accumulation of perceived wrongdoings that you carry as emotional baggage.
- Reflect: Learning to reflect on some of the things that were said or done to you is very important. Taking perspective can give you the strength to look more objectively at what you’ve done and wish to do in the future.
- Recognize and Accept the Pain: Acknowledging the pain you feel is a critical next step. Denial only makes forgiveness more difficult. Once you’re ready, you can begin to let go of the anger and resentment you may feel.
- Release Your Anger: Anger is a normal, healthy emotion. Nonetheless, it’s critical to let go of the anger causing you distress. Clinging to anger will only cause you more pain. Working with a licensed counselor or therapist is often best.
- Eyes on the Future: Forgiving someone who doesn’t condone what they did is okay. It just means you’re ready to move forward.
- Make a Plan: Make a list of the people you plan to ask for forgiveness. Be deliberate about forgiveness. Then follow through. It might be a simple phone call or text message if that’s all you feel comfortable with.
Forgiving Yourself
It can be challenging, but forgiving yourself is an essential part of the healing process. Try these tips:
Own Up to Your Mistakes: It’s essential to face yourself and be honest. Denial only makes the process more difficult.
Own Your Responsibility: Taking responsibility for your actions is a central part of forgiveness. It’s not that you’re the only one to blame for things that happened, but the process has to start with you. Accepting your humanness and that we all make mistakes is where to start. The key is that you learn from them and move forward.
Take Time: You can’t rush the process of forgiveness. It doesn’t happen overnight.
Seek Professional Help: Most people find having help from a licensed therapist or counselor makes all the difference in providing you guidance and support.
When to Seek Help
Participating in a medical detox program is the safest way to cleanse from drug abuse. Professional and certified specialists will provide the support, guidance, and interventions necessary for you to reach your treatment goals. Participating in residential care greatly enhances your success rate at avoiding relapses.
Sources
[1] Krentzman A. et al. 2018. Longitudinal Relationship between Forgiveness of Self and Forgiveness of Others among Individuals with Alcohol Use Disorders. Psycholog Relig Spiritual. 2018 May;10(2):128-137.